Better to be heartbroken and free, than be “loved” and chained
Very rarely do I advocate quick breakups, as I believe many relationships often just need a little tweaking, but you don’t want to be with someone like this. If you really care for this girl, I suggest telling her (in a nice way) that how she is behaving says that she’s insecure about the situation. You can ask her why that is. If she does not behave rationally, and she continues to behave this way, cut it off. Entirely.
Don’t set a completely unreasonable precedent if you want this relationship to end up healthy
You don’t have to be ugly about it all, but you also can’t let another person control your friendships, hours and communications, which is what someone like this will likely want eventually. Unbridled insecurities like these only grow with time.
Considering you’ve been in this relationship for four years (how have you survived, if it’s been like this?), you may wish to seek counseling with her, rather than just washing your hands of the relationship. That should probably be the stipulation. If you want to work this out, and if she does as well, I think counseling should be the way. She obviously has some deep set insecurities if she’s going crazy over your hanging out with another girl, when you’ve been dedicated to her for four years. posted by metalheart at 4:53 PM on [3 favorites]
It sounds like she has some pretty serious issues surrounding either trust or control, as people have said here, and spiderskull is right about it being something she needs to work out herself if you’re going to move forward in your relationship
“Honey I understand why you’d be a little scared, since I don’t usually make female friends without you knowing. Why don’t you meet her? She knows all about you cuz I talk about you often, so she’d love to hang out just the three of us. We’ll go get a beer at McGillicuddys, then you’ll see that we’re just friends. OK? Cool. Now, next time I make a woman friend you won’t be so paranoid right, especially as I’ve never done anything to hurt your trust?”
Obviously if she continues to freak out or is rude to the friend DTMFA. But the best way to defuse the situation while testing to see if she can overcome this problem (and to make sure you really aren’t being skeevy or inappropriate since all we have is your side of it), is to get them together or otherwise reassure her that you are fine and she is having a bit of the old “brain-insanity”. posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:54 PM on [1 favorite]
She’s being controlling and creepy. You need to have a very serious talk with her about this, and – this is critical – be kind but don’t back down about it. slavisk for ekteskap It’s rare that everyone on here agrees about something, and you need to carry that confidence into this discussion with your girlfriend, because it sounds like she’s very emotional and manipulative about the topic. It sends up all kinds of red flags to me about bigger issues, too. It’s really about more than just denying yourself half (!) of the potential friendships out there, as well as preventing you from getting female input in your life from anyone but her; it’s really about how much control she’s allowed to have over your mind and emotions.
It’s not your responsibility to make her happy about this, though obviously you should be sensitive and supportive if she can recognize just how unreasonable she’s being and that this is something she’ll need to get past. She can ask you not to cheat, and she can reasonably expect to meet and know your female friends, but she absolutely can’t ask you to avoid friendships with anyone else who has dissimilar junk to your own. It’s beyond the pale. posted by you’re a kitty! at 4:58 PM on [1 favorite]
